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Actual Student GCSE Answers

This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The
climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One
of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.Moses went
up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever
reached Canada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female
moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that
name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
wedlock.After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made
king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing
the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the
same offense.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of
the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also
wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted
"hurrah."

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was
the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure
because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis
Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He
was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made
much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and
Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be
laid by Juliet.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's
Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many
people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was
responsible for all this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks
in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the
post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had
to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered
electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided
against itself cannot stand.". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure
domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right
to keep bare arms.

23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. His mother died
in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation

24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable
time.Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in
the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he
kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the
most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half
German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone
was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and
catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power,
but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire
is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63
years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the
final event which ended her reign.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the
work of a hundred men.

32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a
naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered
radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by
an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Axioms For The Internet Age

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like home.com!
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use
the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Just A Kiss Per Yard

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl
asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it
cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk
quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man
standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Windows 95 Definition

Windows 95 (win'doz nin'ti fiv) n.

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a

16 bit patch to an

8 bit operating system originally coded for a

4 bit microprocessor, written by a

2 bit company, that can't stand

1 bit of competition.

Silly Interesting Facts

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the
shutter on backwards.

The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways.
The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated,
dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of
Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and
hiccoughed."

The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which
are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter is uncopyrightable.

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct
order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the
Australian coat of arms for that reason.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about
ten.

The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase
"Shah Mat," which means, "the king is dead".

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."

Camel's milk does not curdle.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.

Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean
elephants.

The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.

Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan

All porcupines float in water.

Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire
town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of
yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were
stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight
staircases.

Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was called "American Pie."
(Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

The only nation whose name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in
an "A" is Afghanistan.

When opossums are playing 'possum', they are not "playing." They
actually pass out from sheer terror.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every
year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into
account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times,
but more like 4,950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up
on the bottom.

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford
English Dictionary, is
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word
with the same amount of letters is
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.

Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones
are the largest anagrams.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Ben and Jerry's sends the waste from making ice cream to local pig
farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor:
Mint Oreo.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty
Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses
II who fathered over 160 children.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered
blood donors.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after
Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A
Wonderful Life."

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law
which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider
than your thumb.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left
hand.

The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover
Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.

Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the
same sex.

Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.

A group of unicorns is called a blessing. Twelve or more cows are
known as a "flink." A group of frogs is called an army. A group of
rhinos is called a crash. A group of kangaroos is called a mob. A
group of whales is called a pod. A group of ravens is called a
murder. A group of officers is called a mess. A group of larks is
called an exaltation. A group of owls is called a parliament.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early
mattresses were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched
across the bedframe. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.

"Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came
about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people
needed three dogs (dingos, actually) to keep from freezing.

Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used
once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The
skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was
mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about
the wreck.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing
the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float.
Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and
it has floated ever since. [It floats in gasoline, too.]

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building
it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that
falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight
floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct
itself.

The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a
brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used
in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid
formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold
outside, they would crack and break off... Thus the saying.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks
or it will digest itself.

The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in
the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if
the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes. (ed. note: if the rider's head is up the horse's ass, the rider
died a politician.)

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver,
and purple.

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people
without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the
expression "to get fired."

Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village."

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

13 Rules For Surviving A Horror Movie

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to
see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone
out.
4. Never accept invitations from strangers, especially individuals who
inexplicably live in isolated areas and have no contact with
society.
5. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
6. If you're searching for the cause of a noise and find out that it's
not just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your
life.
7. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
8. No sex, beer or partying! Any of these activities will surely seal
your fate.
9. If you find a town which is deserted, it's probably for a reason.
Take the hint and stay away.
10. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you
know what you're doing.
11. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are
listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylavania, Nilbog, the
Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
12. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby
deserted-looking house to phone for help.
13. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns,
hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers,
butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from
deceased companions.

The Misdirected Vacation E-Mail

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation
in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet
him there the next day. When he reached his hotel in Florida, he
decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of
paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to
type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note
was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had
passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her
e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and
fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into
the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR
ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

Some Guy & A Magic Lamp

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old
lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie
said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah blah blah!
This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of
these wishes so you can forget about three of them. You only get one
wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always
wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.
Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to
visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics
of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete ... how much steel! No, think of another
wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he
said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said
that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could
understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking
when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying,
know what they really want when they say 'nothing'... know how to make
them truly happy."

The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"

Where's The Money, Deaf Man?

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all
the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat
from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this
job--if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to
the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He
gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.
The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some
of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf
collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't
communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 pistol and places it in the ear of the deaf
collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man signs, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the
third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what
you're talking about and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the
trigger!"

The Cautious Pilot

Taxiing down the tarmac, a jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around
and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the
problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he
explained.

"So it took an hour to fix the problem?" she asked.

"No," he replied, "It took us an hour to find a new pilot."